Today is one of those days where I really need to write for myself.
Around noon, my phone started blowing up. I had a friend wanting to solidify dinner plans for next week, my mother was checking up on me, my sons daycare provider and I were discussing him coming on a more regular basis to supplement preschool, I realized I had missed calls to return, and soon felt like I had lost control of my day. Not to mention my two year old son had been throwing fits from the moment he had woken up. My husband walked through the door following a rather difficult day at work, and before he could get his boots off I started firing off questions at him, because my anxiety was through the roof. I needed everything figured out IMMEDIATELY. He got frustrated. I got frustrated. The conversation didn’t end well, and I left for work slamming the door shut in his face.
All because I was convinced I needed to have everything in order straight away. What would have happened if I left my husband a note? Kissed him on the cheek and said, “I love you, let’s talk later”, instead?”
I struggle with control. I want my hours, days, weeks, months, and YEARS mapped out ahead of me. I crave predictability. But the truth is, I can’t control every detail. I can’t control other people. I’m not in charge of the fact that 4 people decided to text/call me all at once. What I need to realize is that I don’t need to be on their timeline—and chances are they don’t expect me to be either. I put too much pressure on myself, and I transfer those emotional burdens onto my loved ones.
In the end, the things I was so worried about controlling weren’t worth the angst.
“We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”
There’s peace in handing things yet undetermined over to God. I’m a major work in progress, but I do know for certain that I’ve never felt better worrying, obsessing, or controlling. It’s my default, and I’ve got a lot of re-programming to do, but one day I’ll be able to stop the habit before I start.
“You are good and do good; teach me your statutes.”
Psalms 119:68 ESV
I know I’d rather follow the ways of the Lord. Sometimes we have to mess up a lot before we learn. Thankfully we have a God who is patient, merciful, loving, kind, and gracious. He NEVER expects us to have it all figured out!